I've been here before, walked the same halls, seen the same look on the nurses' faces, had the same fear that each phone call would bring the dreaded, yet necessary words. The same feeling fills my souls, the same pleading in my prayers, the same tears stain my pillow and the same realization that parents are still children fills my soul.
It's not deja vu though. It's an experience similar to before.
Similar but not the same.
This time around I feel peace in knowing exactly who she'll be with forever.
This time around I feel grateful for our family that shares in the journey, pain and tears-this time no one is ever physically alone.
This time she was not herself; and when she leaves this earth she will be again.
This time her eternal companion will be there, ready once more to take care of her.
And more than anything:
This time I know we will get through it.
This time I know we will become a closer family.
This time I know I will become stronger.
This time I know I don't have to wait for my life to end to have her with me.
This time I know that goodbyes aren't permanent.
I don't know this just because of my experiences before, although I do believe I'm so much stronger because of that. I know this because of the peace, the sweet comfort that comes as the veil thins out again. I know this because I'm being told it in a voice that speaks the language of my heart. I know this because the one I last lost is here, in this house, bringing the sweet feeling of the peace, comfort and safety and reaffirming the things I'm being told-while those who will come for her prepare, and while those who mean the most stay by her side.
No, not deja vu. It's another hard time, another set of tears, another person I love. It doesn't get easier, no matter how many you lose, but one thing I'm certain of is that with each spirit that leaves the body of those you love, the number helping you through the hard times of life increases, and today I feel closer to all of those I've loved and lost than I have in a long time as they help me prepare to lose someone else.
This time, I have His help.
And next time life gets hard I know without a doubt we'll have Hers too.
5 comments:
Nicole, I'm so sorry about your grandma. Let me know if I can do anything at all. I love you
Coley, you truly know how to put into words what I felt today. I love and want you to know that I know how happy she much be right now.
Hey Nicole,
This was such a beautiful description... I kinda want to type it up and keep it. I love you so much and always know that I am there for you!!!!
beautiful comments and thoughts, and I feel the same way. I too have felt Him here and felt comforted. I still miss him so much.
Nicole, you're an amazing daughter who I love very much. I miss her, but am so glad she is back with grandpa holding his hand and looking into his eyes (probably the best birthday present he ever got).
I too feel the peace and know how very, very proud she is of her family. It's now up to us to take the good she left and make our lives better.
Love ya kid.
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