Girl Rising

I was born into a family that believes in empowering women.

My mom is an independent spirit. From her I got my determination to prove any disbelievers wrong. If you want to get either of us to do something, simply tell us it can't be done.

My father is a lover of education. I still remember driving in the car as an 8 or 9 year old and having him make me promise that I would go to college, or get some kind of training, so that my future would be full of opportunity.

Together they taught me that as a girl I could not only do as much as my male counterparts, but that I could do even more. They taught me to be a woman of strength, courage and kindness. One who stands up to the chauvinists she encounters, and defends herself as well as others. A woman who does not let fools tell her that she can not be or do what she desires, because she is a woman.

I am grateful to have been raised in such a family.

Tonight I had the privilege of watching Girl Rising, a documentary telling the story of 9 girls from 9 countries. This movie showcases the power of education, and the strength of women.

As I sat in awe of these 9 girls I remembered the last lecture I received from Professor Valerie Hudson. She mentioned that she believed that when we were all in heaven, before coming to this earth, our Heavenly Father sat us all down to warn us about the things we would face during our time here. Some would suffer starvation, others AIDS, poverty, broken homes, or fear.

Then there was us. Me, and you. To us he said we would witness all these tragedies from the comfort of our homes, where we would always have enough to eat, and the support of good parents. However, he cautioned us, because of the situation we were to be in we had a great responsibility to take our privilege and use it to help those less fortunate. In fact, we even raised our hand and promised that we would do so.

Now, this is not doctrine, but it's something that has stuck with me over the years. And tonight, as I cried over Amina's strength I had the distinct impression that I did in fact make that promise.

I told my father I would use my gifts to bless his other children. I would use my education, the strength my parents gave me, and my innate desire to help to do just that-

to help.

I may not yet have a job after I graduate, or even know where I will be six moths from now, but there is one thing I do know-that my life is to be spent helping others. 

It is what I was made to do.

Sometimes You Just Know

Sometimes knowing if something is right or wrong for you makes it easier, usually it makes it pretty hard because then you have to act on that knowledge.

However, not knowing is just as hard. I'm not talking major bad or good things. But simple things that make a big difference in the end. Major? Mission? Job? School? Where to live?

Those kind of things.

Someone I love explained it like this

"I didn't know what I wanted until all of a sudden I knew and then I just knew that I knew."

Yesterday I learned what my phrase is...

"I didn't know what to do, until I knew that in not knowing, I knew."

Confusing, but yet so simple to me. It was my much needed answer to lifes big questions.

So, if you don't know yet trust that its ok, and that if it's important you will know what to do. You'll just know.

Cheerful Giving

When people ask me what I want to do with my degree in Public Health I mutter off something about getting a masters and teaching, working for an NGO or hospital administration. I tell them I don't really know what I want to do with it.

I say that because I'm afraid to tell them the truth. I'm afraid of the response.

I mean, how am I suppose to explain that my real dream, and purpose in doing this is to change the lives of others without sounding naive?

I want to open clinics, provide treatment and diagnosis opportunities, and more importantly provide knowledge about all aspects of health. From sanitation information, to self confidence workshops, and disease prevention, I want to provide these things to those who have no opportunity to it.

I want to serve.

More than anything.

And today after finishing the book "In a Heartbeat" by Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy(yes Tuohy as in on of my favorite movies-The Blind Side), I believe that I really can make a difference. We all can-by serving others to the best of our ability. I'm realizing that it doesn't have to be something extraordinary. I may never end up going on service missions to Africa, or saving thousands of lives, but if I take the knowledge and blessings I have and magnify them through sharing with others, I know even imperfect, flawed me can change a life.

And in the end that is what it's all about.

And all I really want to do with Public Health.

Falling Short

As soon as we would turn the corner, past the golf course and the park, we new we we were finally there. Once at our destination, after the hugs, kisses, quick walk around to see what changed, rubbing our feet over the rug by the fireplace and a little bouncing around on the water bed for good measure we would race to the best room in the house-the laundry room. The warmth, and smell of Tide would beckon and envelope us in as we stood against the wall. We'd squint our eyes as we tried with all our might to reach as tall as we could, then jump around to inspect. Often our eyes would grow large and our mouths drop as we examined just how much taller we'd grown over the years. And Pops would smile reassuringly, as if he knew all along.

Today, I didn't measure up. I didn't have to stand against a wall to check, or look at my Pops for reassurance, I just knew. In almost every aspect of my life today, I feel short of where I want, and where I need to be. (Ironically the one area I didn't fall short in today was physically-I was measured today and it turns out I am 5' 4 3/4"-who would have guessed.)

I'm not going to cry about it though 1-because I need to sleep, 2-I don't want red eye's tomorrow, and 3-It's different then when I was younger.

You see, back then, we would only get measured and marked one time each visit. Pops taught us that we wouldn't grow enough to notice in one day, but that it took time. Now that I'm older I understand that just because I am 5' 4 3/4" today doesn't mean tomorrow I will be 5' 5 3/4" tomorrow. A day can make all the difference now though. So tomorrow when I wake up I start fresh again, and although I'll never be all that I want to, with a little patience, hope, and humor I'll be better.

And with a my new girl madden's I'll be a little taller. (just in case I need extra help)

Oh The Progress We've Made

As I write this I'm sitting in what may be my new favorite place on campus. I've had classes in the basement of the JFSB almost every semester I've lived here, but I've never ventured all the way upstairs. Today though, I decided to ascend the beautiful wood spiral staircase into the gallery, and was in awe.

The grey sky had enough light to fill the room and the two full wall paintings, one of the campus, and one of a temple, momentarily took my breath to me. They seemed to beckon to me as if to say-"Nicole, look at the beauty." And it hit me, as I wandered the gallery, taking in the quotes of how great a time it is in life when one can seek after the education of the world and the knowledge of the eternities full time, that I'm happy, that I'm finding beauty in life like never before.

A year ago happiness was not so easily found, but now, now I can find happiness in everything. I see beauty all around me, and occasionally within me. Such progress I've made in the last year. I'm more happy, I'm more hardworking, I'm more open-minded, I'm more peaceful, I'm more loving, I'm more content. I have more dreams, more righteous desires and more of a determination to work toward them. I'm better then who I was.

Better... I once thought that the me I was a few years ago was such a great person, so much more in shape, so much more outgoing, so much more who I wanted to be. In that time I've been through a lot, and somewhere in there I began to grow up. I'm realizing now that the things I want to be the most are the things I'm becoming, slowly but surely. So today I write to celebrate my progress, and the progress within us all. As time goes by change comes to us, and we decide whether to let it destroy us or shape us, and today I want to celebrate the shaping, the molding, the becoming.

All of this because when, with a smile, I stepped off of that staircase I let myself see beauty. And the ability to do that is a beautiful thing.

(I wish I had my camera to show you, but even the pictures won't do it justice. I believe beauty is all in the eyes of the beholder, and in the feeling one gets when they see it.)

The Tears I Cried.....

Today I cried. More than once, but I'm just going to focus on the one right now. Don't worry, it's not discouraging, in fact if I do a good job expressing what happened well it may be inspirational.

For the past four months Valerie Hudson my brilliant International Relations professor has been teaching me. She has taught me the location of every country in the world, who the five permanent seats on the UN Security council are, the power of women in the world, the problems China is now facing as a result of the one child policy, why lesser developed nations are poor, and even the joys that come from living in a small house. It was the lesson taught to me today that will stay with me the most though.

It's easy to get discouraged when you learn so much about the world. There is so much corruption, inequality, violence, economic woe, environmental problems, disease, nuclear weapons, fear and death. Some may question how God, who loves his children equally, could allow such problems to exist and why he doesn't just fix them.

"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ would take the slums out of people, and then they would take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature." -Ezra Taft Benson

God's plan is good. He changes something inside of us that nothing else can. Jesus did this in his time here on earth. When he taught the multitude he fed them loaves and fishes until they were full, and then he could teach, and they would listen. He loved them and because of that they listened, learned and were changed. Our lives work the same way. We cannot teach others of Christ unless we love them first. Unless we serve them.

Professor Hudson says she imagines us all up in heaven before anyone came down to Earth. Heavenly Father explained how horrible the challenges and problems we face here would be. He gave us full warning that some would starve, others never know how to read, some would be sick, some would be alone and some more would hurt. He explained that he loved us but that suffering would be had by all. He told us that some of us would be born into homes with money enough that we would never go to bed hungry, that we would have a bed to sleep in every night, that we would grow up learning and knowing of him being taught by parents who are kind, and that when the time came we would be able to obtain all the knowledge we desired to. With this position though came a huge responsibility, that of giving, sharing, teaching, and loving those who would not have those things. We understood the responsibility that would come with this life, and knew that carrying it out would be harder than we understood. We rose our hands and promised to the Father that we would do all in our power to make the world better, through the gospel of Christ, and the knowledge we gain.

Thats how Professor Hudson sees it, and I believe the same.

I think I rose my hand and told my Father in Heaven that I would do everything in my power to make the world a better place. That I would take the blessings that were mine and use them to make me a better tool in his hands. And he chose me to come to the situation I did for a reason. Do you know the percentage of LDS college age students? It's a small number when played out on the world stage. Yet here I am, one of the fortunate few. Going to school, reading, researching, learning; all to better myself so that I can give back to God's children. And whether I make it to Africa to volunteer as a nurse helping those with AIDS, or do an elderly ladies hair at the Memory Care center everyday; whether the only children of God I help save be the ones he blesses me with to raise or if I save the lives of thousands of sick children I will make a difference because I once promised I would.

It starts now though, here in my home. I can't ever expect to help communities in Rwanda if I don't know how to serve my roommate, or my sister. Now, when I become discouraged with myself, or my life all I have to do is remember a promise I feel strongly that I made, to do all in my power to better lives, to be a tool in his hand. Heavenly Father knew I could handle what he needs me for, and now I'm doing all in my power to make sure that is the case.

Thanks for helping me see the power for good I can be, with his help, in this world Professor Hudson. It brings tears to my eyes, knowing that I, an imperfect 19-year old can make this world a better place. And so you know, I plan on doing just that.

My Future Small Home

Today, as I am every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I was inspired by Valerie Hudson. This woman and her lectures on the world always leave me with a lot to think about, and today was no exception. We were discussing poverty again, and that the idea that poverty in many countries may not be related to population as much as it to over consumption and spending by others. Looking around at the many people in the world who have much more than necessary I believe that those who support this theory are on to something. While discussing this in class a kid in the back rose his hand and said that we can't change Americans views though, we're all still going to want big houses. Silence fell over the room as Professor Hudson stopped and looked down, choosing her words very carefully. With power yet kindness she spoke in a hushed voice and said "All I've ever wanted is a small house to raise kids in, for my kids to be healthy, and to have lots of love." She explained that she was in no way perfect, but that she had gotten to a point in her life where the rest of it didn't seem to matter. She didn't need a big house.

All my life I've loved looking at houses. I've gone to home shows with my mom and admired the bay windows, wood floors, vaulted ceilings, in home theaters or exercise rooms, the pools, the stainless steal appliances and the abundance of bathrooms. I've dreamed of a big house with fancy things. I dreamed of myself in my fancy jeans, an anthropology top and heels pulling cookies out of the oven for my kids. After thinking a lot about it today though I see things a little bit differently. Today I decided that is not really what I want. I want an average home, full of above average amounts of love and laughter and the rest, the material things in said home, just don't matter.

I've been so blessed to always have that in my home growing up. I'm so glad that is exactly what I had. And someday I can't wait to give that to my own family. In our small home.

Angels

I know life does not end when our bodies die. I know that our spirits live on forever. I believe that those who die, are still very much involved in our lives. They can in fact watch over us, give us courage, and comfort when no one else in this world can. I love my angels. I feel them near. When I need someone, He send them to me, and for that I am more grateful than words can express.

Thanks for coming when I call.

I love you.

Let Peace Then Still the Strife

Yesterday I found even grater gratitude for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm grateful everyday of my life to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and for the knowledge, faith, hope, understanding and peace that I've found because of this gospel.

Last night I found more gratitude for this gospel while studying my scriptures. I was listening to some of my church music while doing so and I came across a beautiful song by Mack Wilberg-it's part of his Requiem and is called Let Peace Then Still the Strife. It is beautiful, but the reason I love it is because it is a requiem. My Junior year of high school I spent hours learning about Requiems and rehearsing Mozart's famous requiem. Sung to honor someone who has died, a requiem can be a very spiritual arrangement of music. For Mozart it was one of great fear, anger and confusion though. Many musicians and historians believe he was writing his own Requiem, and the tone of the music expresses his feelings of the finality he believed death brought, and his confusion about it. It is an extraordinary work of music, but I always felt sad for Mozart and his perceived anger toward death. As I listen to the requiem Brother Wilberg has composed, especially this movement, I'm not filled with any of the feelings I had while singing Mozart's. I'm joyful, peaceful, and grateful for the knowledge that death is not scary but a beautiful and necessary step to return to my loving Father in heaven, a step that will bring peace everlasting.

I'm grateful I know that I can live in a way to "make the crossing forth joyful passing".

The knowledge that I have about this life, and what happens when it comes time for me to pass are miraculous things that impact every aspect of my life. I'm blessed to know that this life is not the end. I'm eternally grateful to know that once I pass here I keep living in a beautiful, peaceful state. I find peace in knowing that the relationships I cherish on this earth will not end, that the knowledge I gain will not be for just this life, and that the family I have and will have will be eternal in nature.

I know these things to be true, because I've learned them for myself. I love this gospel. I love the peace it brings to me everyday. I'm grateful for it more than I am grateful for any of my many other blessings. It means more to me than anything, and it has and will continue to sustain me through everything and shape me into the person I need to be.

"Let peace then still the strife, the loneliness and grief,
come heal the piercing silence of passing.

And sweet familiar strains, the voices lost in death,

arise in songs of hope everlasting.

Then let the voices roll as waves upon the sea;

come forth and break up on us,
refreshing.

And barren coves be filled-o're flowing reverie!

Let memory sable as Gilead's caressing.

And though the balm be spread, let tender rifts remain

that breaking hearts not yield to forgetting.

For hearts rent wide at death, unfolded to our dead

hear singing from beyond sunlight's
setting.

Then sing, beloved ones, reach o're the summer sea.

Pour forth thy boundless love for us living!

Sweep into every soul, make music of our tears,

turn all our songs to joy and thanksgiving!

And when we silent pass, from far across the sea

let praises ring for life's wondrous
blessing.

Then sing ye living souls! Sing generations past,

swell high the tide of life, us refreshing!

Sing forth as with one voice, bear silent grief away,

resound with peace and hope everlasting!

And all who wait and sing, sing on from earth and heaven

and make our crossing forth joyful
passing.

Amen."

-Mack Wilberg

Coming Home and Lazy Sundays With Family

Living Close to My Home:
I am so grateful that I live close enough to my family to come home often. I love the feeling of coming home. Of sitting in the kitchen late at night and having that warm, comfortable, loving, homey feeling creep over me. There is nothing like the feeling of being home and I'm completely grateful for it.

Lazy Sundays with the Family (all of them):
Today was my cousin Lori's farewell up in a beautiful little town called Morgan. After a great sacrament meeting we spent the afternoon eating, laughing at the entertaining little ones, catching up with cousins, and sleeping the whole way back. I love the sun in the fall, catching on the leafs, yet still a cool breeze. To me it is the perfect setting for these lazy family afternoons, and right now I'm so grateful for the time I get to spend with all of them.

Also right now I'm grateful for night time, which is what I'm going to do right now :)

DAD

Today I'm especially grateful for my dad. There are many reasons why, but they can all be summed up in about one sentence: He is the best dad ever. (he denies it but he is wrong-probably because hes just getting old and forgot) He really is the best dad I could ever ask for. He does so much for me from managing all my financial affairs(and by this I mean breaking the news to me when I'm completely broke in a loving, concerned way) to randomly texting me just to tell me he loves me and he hopes I'm having a good day. He is a loving, patient, kind, caring father who loves his wife and daughters more than anything. He sacrifices so much time, money(he has all daughters so this really can be a HUGE sacrifice) and energy into making sure that we are provided for and happy. All of this alone is evidence enough in proving he is the best dad but there is one more thing that I'm especially grateful for these days-he understands.

One day when I was particularly struggling with working out my life and school and thinking my dreams were unreachable I became very discouraged. He told me about a time when he was in school and the struggles he had with a certain class. In that moment my dad was not just a dad, he was a friend who had been there before and was telling me it was all going to work out, and that sometimes we all struggle. Knowing this man that I've always thought was invincible struggled with the same things I do made me admire him even more. I don't think I ever told him how much that meant to me, so Dad-thanks for sharing your struggles and giving me the hope to overcome mine. You probably don't even remember this event but it meant the world to me. So today as I continue to struggle with Chemistry and school I am particularly grateful for you. I love you Dad.

I'm also grateful he knows how to be a straight up G-unlike some of those parents you hear about these days ;) jk

Dreams

Today I'm full of gratitude for something very powerful, dreams. Not the sleeping kind, although those hold a very special place in my heart too, but the ones we conceive when fully awake and aware. Think where we would be without dreams? Without the dream for a better future, I would be content with mediocre grades and wasted hours. I would not know disappointment because I would not know achievement. I wouldn't cry over roadblocks to my destination because I would have no destination or hope of one. Without dreams I wouldn't know the satisfaction that comes from achievement, from reached or exceeded expectations. I would be hopeless, very hopeless.

Luckily, I have dreams. Many big, lofty dreams full of excitement, achievement, adventure and happiness. While I'm fully aware that dreams are easier imagined than achieved I don't get discouraged. I realize that I have the power to achieve anything I dream. That knowledge gives me the power to pick myself back up when knocked down, and try harder from then on.

So, while I may be currently struggling with Chemistry, or having a difficult time reaching beyond my zone of comfort I know that I can, with every step, become closer to a dream imagined. And that is what will keep me smiling while heading toward the testing center today-my future and the dreams it holds.

PS: These are some of the things filling my dreams lately :)

My favorite city in the world. I want to go back so badly right now....

Home and Christmas, two of the very best things...

Someday-eventually-I will be done with school and my dreams hold a hope that I'll be doing this...

Slacking...

So, I missed a few days. But not to worry I will make up for them:

November 2nd: I'm grateful for my roommates who happen to be the best roommates EVER! They take care of me when I'm sick, make me laugh, keep me humble by making fun of me and my labyrinthitis, drive me when I'm too lightheaded to function, take notes for me in IR and love me. They are seriously the absolute best. Ever. No contest.

November 3rd: I'm grateful for lame TV. I know, this sounds very pathetic but when you're home sick you end up watching a lot of it. Whether on the television or through my good friend hulu on my laptop it never fails to disappoints. A recent favorite: Gossip Girl. I know I know, you've heard it's horrible and 'very bad for you'. Well, I don't disagree completely but the life these characters live fascinate me and I'm completely head over heels in love with Chuck Bass. I've now officially seen every episode of this show. Let me put out a little disclaimer though: Do NOT start watching this show it is highly addictive. Trust me on this one-I'm looking out for you.

(Don't judge)

November 4th: Today I'm grateful for my mom. I guess sometimes I don't realize just how amazing she is until I'm not around her. I've been missing her a lot lately because I haven't felt well and have wanted to be taken care of. Since shes been unable to make it down and it's probably best for the entire population of Utah if I do not drive that far in my current condition she has initiated many a phone call or skype conversation. And today she is driving all the way down here to pick me up and take me to the doctor. She wins the mom of the year award every year. I love you mom!

2 Days Later: Being with my mom was great the other day. One thing I love about her is that she is so strong, and all of her stories increase my faith and make me want to be a better person. Mom, I don't tell you nearly enough but I love you a lot and hope someday I can be just like you as a mom. After you left I was talking to one of my friends and she asked if I ever fought with you in high school, and I could honestly say we didn't. We've always been friends while still being mother and daughter. I love you so much and I'm so grateful to have you for a mom. :)

Day One of the Gratitude Experiment

I'm going to try to blog about one thing I'm grateful for every day of November until we reach Thanksgiving Day. I'm hoping that by doing this I keep the focus on the things that are really important to me, and become more aware of how blessed I really am.

So here we go:

Today I'm very grateful for CJane's free for all give away. I just won a half dozen S'mores cupcakes from Sweet Indulgence Cupcakes. I'm not feeling so great today and a box of free cupcakes made me smile. So thank you so much, today I am grateful for you!

And I can't wait to try the cupcakes!

Deja Vu

I've been here before, walked the same halls, seen the same look on the nurses' faces, had the same fear that each phone call would bring the dreaded, yet necessary words. The same feeling fills my souls, the same pleading in my prayers, the same tears stain my pillow and the same realization that parents are still children fills my soul.

It's not deja vu though. It's an experience similar to before.
Similar but not the same.

This time around I feel peace in knowing exactly who she'll be with forever.
This time around I feel grateful for our family that shares in the journey, pain and tears-this time no one is ever physically alone.
This time she was not herself; and when she leaves this earth she will be again.
This time her eternal companion will be there, ready once more to take care of her.

And more than anything:

This time I know we will get through it.
This time I know we will become a closer family.
This time I know I will become stronger.
This time I know I don't have to wait for my life to end to have her with me.
This time I know that goodbyes aren't permanent.

I don't know this just because of my experiences before, although I do believe I'm so much stronger because of that. I know this because of the peace, the sweet comfort that comes as the veil thins out again. I know this because I'm being told it in a voice that speaks the language of my heart. I know this because the one I last lost is here, in this house, bringing the sweet feeling of the peace, comfort and safety and reaffirming the things I'm being told-while those who will come for her prepare, and while those who mean the most stay by her side.

No, not deja vu. It's another hard time, another set of tears, another person I love. It doesn't get easier, no matter how many you lose, but one thing I'm certain of is that with each spirit that leaves the body of those you love, the number helping you through the hard times of life increases, and today I feel closer to all of those I've loved and lost than I have in a long time as they help me prepare to lose someone else.

This time, I have His help.

And next time life gets hard I know without a doubt we'll have Hers too.

MY NEW ERA

I believe it was an episode of Friends that taught me that an era is any significant amount of time. It could be a semester of classes, ten seasons of a great show, Springtime, the time you spend working at a certain job, the years you live at home, or even how long you spend crammed into a car driving with your family around the state. In my life I've had many eras. There were the years I spent in the era of living at home, the three years I spent in the era of high school, the summer eras spent with my best friend, the era of Jr. High, the era of childhood, the era of my Gilmore Girl Obsession, the eras spent with certain boys, the era of growing up and so many more.

The era I've been pondering the most lately though is the one that I feel is currently coming to a close- it is the Era of Great Change...

Because 1 picture tells 1,000 of these words I keep tying I'm going to put my great love of pictures to use and try to remember this Era that is now ending. It was only one year. But I never knew a year could be so long, so hard, contain so much change, hurt so bad, teach so much, hold so many tears, bring so many people into my life, and take me from who I was to who I am.

A year ago....

It was an Era that began with endings, that started with a finish...

It was an era that involved exploring new, exciting things and places, and forced me to make some changes....

That taught me that beauty exists in many different forms, and that real beauty is being able to spot it...

It was an era that forced me to go out into the world as an individual for the first time, and learn who it is I really am...

It was an era where I learned how to face and experience loss and hurt as I've never felt before

Where I learned to put on a smile and more importantly to admit when I couldn't do it alone...

An era where I made plenty of mistakes, but learned from each step I took...

An Era where I said goodbye to so many, but at the same time had new friends settle into my heart...

An era where I was reminded what really matters in this life, and how we achieve that...

An era of moving, settling, and moving again, but through the moving learning to appreciate the place called home...

An era where I came full circle, yet will never made it back to where I started...

The girl I see in the mirror now doesn't recognise the one in pictures staring back. I've gained pounds, and shed tears. I've lost friends, and found ones I feel like I've always known. There were days I couldn't get out of bed and face life, but for every one of those there were seconds of laughter where I remembered why I keep going. There were classes and life experiences where I learned more than I will in any class. It was an era full of dreams in the day and the night that came true, of prayers cried, uttered, whispered, spoken, sung and thought that always were answered and of conversations with those here, and gone that were always heard. It was without a doubt the hardest year of my life, but because I made it through I will never be the same...

And, who knows what the next era will bring, but if it turns out to be twice as hard as the past one, I know that I can make it through...