Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Last Little While...

(First, I'd like to point out my acute obsession with "..."... Yea... about that... I'm not really sure... just some of my personality I guess...)

I've been kind of impatient. With myself, with the weird knife-like pain on the right side of my stomach. With my family. With my homework. With drivers on the freeway (Ok-he was going 40 on I-15, I'm slightly justified, am I not?) With Dr.s who can't give me answers. With the kids that never stop talking in Sunday School. With waiting. With not knowing. With everything.
The other day, when the pain was really bad my roommates got my FHE (don't say "F" "H" "E", it's much more fun to sound it out, so it kind of sounds like "f-he", with a little emphasis on the E) to give me a blessing. He was literally pulled out of a party (a juice-pong party to be exact-only in Provo) and a little flustered. Before he began he paused. I sat in the chair, more than ready for the peace, and healing a blessing from the lord can bring. But he wasn't, he paused and waited. He took a moment to draw himself close to the Lord and for that I am grateful. It taught me something.
I need patience in order to come close to the Lord. I need to take the time to draw near, and that requires patience. So my work-in-progress self will try a little harder. Try to be a little more patient with the dr. Try to be a little more patient with those around me. Try to be a little more patient with the weird pain in my stomach. Try to be a little more patient with myself. Be more patient with life, and the Lords plan.
Thanks FHE brother. The blessing helped a lot, and your example helped greatly.
*Photo courtesy of me, glasses courtesy of D&G and my weird blood-shot pupils...

Friday, January 29, 2010

Oh The Progress We've Made

As I write this I'm sitting in what may be my new favorite place on campus. I've had classes in the basement of the JFSB almost every semester I've lived here, but I've never ventured all the way upstairs. Today though, I decided to ascend the beautiful wood spiral staircase into the gallery, and was in awe.
The grey sky had enough light to fill the room and the two full wall paintings, one of the campus, and one of a temple, momentarily took my breath to me. They seemed to beckon to me as if to say-"Nicole, look at the beauty." And it hit me, as I wandered the gallery, taking in the quotes of how great a time it is in life when one can seek after the education of the world and the knowledge of the eternities full time, that I'm happy, that I'm finding beauty in life like never before.
A year ago happiness was not so easily found, but now, now I can find happiness in everything. I see beauty all around me, and occasionally within me. Such progress I've made in the last year. I'm more happy, I'm more hardworking, I'm more open-minded, I'm more peaceful, I'm more loving, I'm more content. I have more dreams, more righteous desires and more of a determination to work toward them. I'm better then who I was.
Better... I once thought that the me I was a few years ago was such a great person, so much more in shape, so much more outgoing, so much more who I wanted to be. In that time I've been through a lot, and somewhere in there I began to grow up. I'm realizing now that the things I want to be the most are the things I'm becoming, slowly but surely. So today I write to celebrate my progress, and the progress within us all. As time goes by change comes to us, and we decide whether to let it destroy us or shape us, and today I want to celebrate the shaping, the molding, the becoming.
All of this because when, with a smile, I stepped off of that staircase I let myself see beauty. And the ability to do that is a beautiful thing.
(I wish I had my camera to show you, but even the pictures won't do it justice. I believe beauty is all in the eyes of the beholder, and in the feeling one gets when they see it.)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

To My Favorite Team and Coach,

Dear fellow team members and coach,

I love you.

I adore you.

I aspire to be more like you.

You make me feel like I'm great despite all my flaws.

Thanks for believing in me.

Thanks for dancing when I need to (Valour) texting me before we go to sleep and always laughing with me. Thanks for making me happy, even if it's just a movie we have fun!

Thanks for staying up late all night chatting and letting me share my secrets with you (3:30!) You teach me so much-I couldn't ask for a better coach!

Thanks for forgiving me for my past mistakes, and loving me despite my struggle with the forget part of forgive.(L.O.V.E for you dear) You've always been there for me, and that means more than I can say!

Thanks for hugging me when I cry. You are always so sensitive to my feelings, and I love you so much for it. (and you give the best hugs!) Thanks for loving me always, despite all my mistakes, and thanks for reading this! (I know you'll read this, and to you I want to say-sorry for the fridge thing. I regret it. A lot. Of course, you forgive me because you're amazing. It means the world, having you as a friend. I'll be a better one, I promise!)

Thanks for not making fun of me when I walk home from church barefoot. I've loved getting to know you dear.

And G, thanks for the love and hugs, the j. crew addiction i currently have, introducing me to strobel cookies, and always being there for me. (and being my #1 DJ) I love you dear! A lot!

I love you girls!

And always will!



Thursday, January 21, 2010

Let Me Apologize...

Please don't stop reading, because I haven't posted in awhile. It is not for lack of inspiration, or lack of love for the written word. Lately my inspiration has just been directed into another written source. I promise to be more diligent though-for you. Yes you, whoever you are that actually reads this. I'd like to make it up to you with a beautifully eloquent post, or a knee slapping comedic one. There is just one problem with that plan, right now I have nothing to say. I know, I know-this is rare.

I could tell you about how great this semester is turning out to be. I could go on and on about how much I'm loving my Public Health classes, and how inspired I am to make a difference to others around the world. I could tell you all about the diseases I've been learning about and how intriguing they really are. I could tell you about the free books I'm getting about Public Health, and how excited I am for them to come. I could tell you about how although I thought I wanted to become a nurse after this, I'm leaning more toward a Masters in Public Health. I could go on about graphs and numbers and terms that statastics(I know I spelled that wrong-thats for you mom) has been teaching me or even about the ancient civilazations of the world. But, I won't.

I could tell you all about the fun things I've been doing since I got back. I could tell you all about the night we went to Velour to see Sr.'s band perform and how one of my other roommates got a boy out of it and how great the music and dancing was(ok the dancing was not necessarily encouraged by those with me, but when I feel the beat I just can't stop). I could go on and tell you about the ward activity of broom ball and how much fun it was, but how dangerous. I could explain how when I fell once I nearly broke my nose and I was terrified about having plastic surgery for a brief moment. I could tell you about shopping up at the outlets in Park City and the magical fortune teller we found while getting shakes in Heber. I could tell you about how much I adore all NBC jokes currently and find any excuse to pass them on. I could tell you about the wall of chocolate desseret, my one tree hill obsession, or my late night chats with Mikhael, But I won't.

See, I have nothing to say. (thats why this post is so long) So I guess I will just say this. Thanks for reading this. For being my friend. For encouraging me to be great and for supporting my love for writing. It means a lot. Even when I have nothing to say.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The How and Why

Teeth brushed, pajamas on and weary-eyed I snuggle under the blanket on the couch and type. The apartment is relatively quiet with all but one roommate asleep and the soft acoustic music gently flows throw the headphones into my mind. This is how I write.
Once in awhile as my fingers stroll across the keyboard, grasping for the right word, I wonder if what I'm saying is something I should let the whole word see. I don't know completely if I'm comfortable enough with myself to let the whole world read everything I write. Also, I don't believe I should share everything, and some of the most personal I keep for myself. But once in awhile there is something boarder line and I find myself wondering if it is alright to share. This post may be one of those. Not because it holds deep hidden secrets or because I'm afraid of judgement or advice, but because I'm scared to face the truth. If I let it be written I can no longer deny it, that is the power of words.
I folded my comforter over the white sheet and began to gather up the assortment of pillows. I'd just finished a detailed conversation with some of the girls about the boys they are dating. Dating. Wow, there is something I haven't done in awhile. It's weird to think that for the entire time I've been friends with these girls I haven't seriously dated anyone. Back in the day I was a skilled flirter and the queen of undefined relationships. I had one very defined relationship. It was such innocent childlike love, as all first loves should be. Slowly I realized that happily ever afters don't come at age 16 and I hated that, and myself for feeling like that. Following I had a series of undefined relationships where I avoided DTRs like the plague, suffering myself to deep confusion instead. And now? How did I get from bouncy, flirty, happy-go-lucky-aura to what I am today? Of course I'd asked myself countless times before why I wasn't dating anyone. After all, I attend BYU. I blamed it on various things, saying that I was chubby or ugly. I'm not saying this to get you to deny the claim, but to be honest. I'm a woman and I've found that often our deepest insecurities haunt us as Marley does Scrooge, and it's always Christmas eve. As I placed the decorative pillows in their proper place the reason hit me. Somewhere along the way I stopped letting people in, and stopped opening myself up. I became afraid. Afraid of rejection, embarrassment, of not being good enough when someone knows me that completely, of pain, and mostly of getting hurt.
This conclusion is completely true, and from the second I push "Publish Post" I will not be able to deny it to myself any longer. It scares me to share this, but I'm going to. I'm not fully sure why but I feel like I can't face my fears until I acknowledge that I have them. So, as a part of my New Years resolution to get back up, and move on I'm admitting my fear, and praying for the opportunity to face it. After all, with humility on my part my weaknesses will be made strong by Him. And if it takes being scared, and sharing that to become stronger and happier then I'm willing to.
This right here-what you just read is a little peace of my soul. This piece I keep inside and work out of my heart into the world through words, tears and soft music. This piece holds truth and fear and makes me strong yet vulnerable at the same time. This piece is why I write.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Moving Forward

You know what was wonderful? Christmas. It was absolutely magical. Magical I tell you. I do not use that word to describe many events (probably because the last time was my junior prom and my guy friends all made fun of me for it for weeks-they may have been jealous because any dates I was on with them did not ever get blessed with the description of magical....) but this qualifies as one that deserves it. I needed that break from school, stress, and my time at home was just what I needed to refresh my spirit, and change my perspective. It's hard to pick and choose but here were some of the best moments of Christmas:

desert star. temple square lights. Princess and the Frog. Lego building. One tree hill obsession. shopping. reading for pleasure. changing my major. bubble baths. mint chocolate cake. 3 other movies. spinach dip and chocolate oranges. alta heights ward ysa. christmas eve reindeer game. almost pulling the table cloth out from under me at the roof. snow. family.

New years was also superb, and I could not have been more happy about 2009 being over and a fresh start beginning. Instead of making elaborate, super-descriptive goals I chose one that involves every aspect of my life: Pick myself back up, and move forward.

Not literally, even though I do fall a lot in a very literal sense (especially on the stairs here at BYU, but thats another saga for another time)

No, not literal but still very real to me. I first fell down about a year ago. I had felt loss in a piercing way, and coping with it was hard. And then instead of dealing with it I put it off until it was overcoming me. I became weighed down with pain, uncertainty, self-doubt, sadness, fear, and extreme laziness. Everything that I'd held in finally was coming out, and it overwhelmed me to the point of fatigue.

Most of those days last Winter semester are kind of a blur to me, because they were uneventful, and full of things that are hard to remember. Summer was a great break, but by then I had destroyed my self-confidence, desire to dream, and things that I felt made me me. Last semester was a time of healing. I came back here to BYU kind of broken, and very discouraged. Angles helped heal me, angels from both sides. They helped me realize that it will be ok, facilitated inspiration, built me back up, and loved me. Until one day I realized, I was dreaming big dreams again, and facing fears I dreaded.

Now, here I am and although I still find every flaw in my physical attributes and struggle with things I'm happier than I remember being in a long time. I have more motivation to work hard than previously and I have more desire to become better. Also, I'm dreaming and the dreams I have are encouraging me, and causing me to be more excited than I have in quite some time.

So-this year it's my resolution to pick myself back up, and move forward. I'm working on it each day, and with some help I will achieve this. I don't feel broken any more, but only peace.

So here is to 2010. A new beginning. A new start. Always remembering where I've been, and then-moving forward.