Monday, August 31, 2009

My First Day of School

I feel like this post needs to be playful and happy so I've decided to make it into a little story-please enjoy...

Once upon a time there was a "semi-cute" girl named.... (this was always the hard part when making up stories)... Virginia! She was almost a grown up and moved into a lovely castle complete with a missionary map to track all of her knight friends on their quests and a love sac to get some beauty sleep on-as all maidens need. She liked going to school and learning all the important things that maidens need to know, so when it came time for the night before her classes started she could hardly sleep!(ok, some of this sentence is a little falsified-I could sleep anytime!) She woke up early that morning, before the sun even rose and jumped off her lovely bed (they are really tall) and went off to attempt to get beautiful for her day! She was sad though because before she could go to classes she had to go do work, which all proper maidens hate to have to do, but she got ready anyways and with a little help from her lady in waiting she looked pretty good!(Aren't roommates great!)

After riding her beautiful stallion to and from the place where she worked she finally got to go to class. Her first class was Biology, and the maiden was quite nervous about this. She went though, and decided that she would love it very much. After that class the maiden gracefully(yea right!) rushed off to her next class in the lovely Benson building. There she was in a class full of almost all maidens, very very few knights in shining armour, and she began to learn about the enemy in her life... Organic Chemistry. Chemistry is the enemy the maiden fears the greatest, and has struggled so hard to defeat in the past, but despite being discouraged about having to face the Organic Chemistry Beast the maiden put on a good face and along with some of her friends decided she could conquer the beast. Next the maiden went to her Political Science/International Relations class where she learned all about the different countries and lands in the world and became so excited! Oh how our maiden Virginia LOVES political science! Even if it does require her to get a subscription to the NY times! Finally the maiden made it to her last class, the smallest one she has ever had at BYU! It was called Latter Day Saints in War Times and as the maiden sat in there with the 20 others in the class she knew she was just going to love this class! Finally, after hours of work and classes the maiden was able to come home and relax, but not until after picking up a fancy linner (late lunch/dinner) of J-Dawgs! And the maiden lived happily ever after, went on many dates with hot boys, won a million dollars and got A's in all her classes(ha ha it's my story so I get to pick the ending!) The end

Cheesy... I know, but I couldn't resist.

PS-Runway Sunday was successful... as in I didn't look like a fool or fall or trip in some embarrassing manner. Ward prayer was actually ward dessert night ( I knew I'd like this ward!) last night and that was great too. Even if some of the boys in the ward are kind like stickers.... hard to get away from... ha ha ha

Sunday, August 30, 2009


I accidently posted last night to my family blog instead of this one...

I'm to lazy to change it over, so check it out here


PS-I'm back in Provo, and it sure is different....

Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Marathon

Physically I'm not a runner. I hate doing laps because I hate seeing the same thing over again; I hate running in groups because I'm so NOT in shape its embarrassing; and I hate the pound of my foot on the pavement because of the pain it sends to my knee. Lately though I've decided that maybe I'm destined to be one of "those" people-you know the ones who find joy from running-because emotionally that is what I do.

When I don't want to face something, I get busy. I clean the house, I plan 5K's at work, I go somewhere with my friends, I pack up my room, I do my laundry, I clean, I run errands, I go shopping, I watch TV and I sleep. I do basically anything to keep me from facing whatever it is that scares me.
These "emotional marathons" have a down side though. Every single marathon run has a finish line, a moment when the race is all over, when you stop pushing yourself, when your done.

Mine is coming soon. I know I can't keep running much longer. Soon I'll have to face my fears and the facts, and the pain and tears that comes with those. Soon I'll cross that finish line and surrender myself to the emotion.
But I know that when that time comes, I won't be alone. In fact, I am quite positive that these last few miles I will not be running at all, but will be carried by the one who knows exactly how I feel, and who has been watching over me through every race.
And together, we'll cross the finish line.
*PS I'm very proud of both these pictures, especially the last one. I was inspired that by the young sophomore who knew he wasn't running alone, and I promise we never are either.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Deja Vu

I've been here before, walked the same halls, seen the same look on the nurses' faces, had the same fear that each phone call would bring the dreaded, yet necessary words. The same feeling fills my souls, the same pleading in my prayers, the same tears stain my pillow and the same realization that parents are still children fills my soul.

It's not deja vu though. It's an experience similar to before.
Similar but not the same.

This time around I feel peace in knowing exactly who she'll be with forever.
This time around I feel grateful for our family that shares in the journey, pain and tears-this time no one is ever physically alone.
This time she was not herself; and when she leaves this earth she will be again.
This time her eternal companion will be there, ready once more to take care of her.

And more than anything:

This time I know we will get through it.
This time I know we will become a closer family.
This time I know I will become stronger.
This time I know I don't have to wait for my life to end to have her with me.
This time I know that goodbyes aren't permanent.

I don't know this just because of my experiences before, although I do believe I'm so much stronger because of that. I know this because of the peace, the sweet comfort that comes as the veil thins out again. I know this because I'm being told it in a voice that speaks the language of my heart. I know this because the one I last lost is here, in this house, bringing the sweet feeling of the peace, comfort and safety and reaffirming the things I'm being told-while those who will come for her prepare, and while those who mean the most stay by her side.

No, not deja vu. It's another hard time, another set of tears, another person I love. It doesn't get easier, no matter how many you lose, but one thing I'm certain of is that with each spirit that leaves the body of those you love, the number helping you through the hard times of life increases, and today I feel closer to all of those I've loved and lost than I have in a long time as they help me prepare to lose someone else.

This time, I have His help.

And next time life gets hard I know without a doubt we'll have Hers too.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

You Do The Math

1 cute baby boy + 1 funny dog + 4 hours of fun= a wonderful babysitting experience
5 hours of sleep + 1 6:00 AM temple appointment + 3 Diet Cokes + 36 teenagers to help my mom feed + 2 trips up to the U + 1 sick grandma + 3 different outfits = a long but rewarding day
4 sacrament meetings + 2 farewells + 3 high counselors + 3 eclairs + + 4 missionaries - all the ones that have gone before + 13 hymns + quite a few tears + spending the day with the best family and friends = An amazingly spiritual day, but exhausting

Oh weekend-where did you go? Can't you start all over? I'm now so tired I need a weekend to rest from my weekend!

On a related note-where did the summer go? Here I am gathering shoes, pots, pans and clothes and getting ready to head back to school and rent paying and grocery shopping and all that other grown up stuff(along with all the fun stuff like being back with my roommates, looking for some cute boys, and loving football season!) .... Am I ready? Will I find all my books? Will I stress myself out with work, school, church and a social life? Will I make friends? Will I have more fun the 2nd time around? Will I get accepting to nursing school? Will I have what it takes?

I'm not sure: All I know is that in one of my many sacrament meetings today I heard this, and knew it was written for me:
"I loved to choose and see my path but now- lead thou me on"
So I'm not choosing anymore- I'm letting him. And I'm not going to be able to see where it leads-but he knows exactly.

Lead thou me on.

Friday, August 7, 2009

A Tender Mercy

It was a long day-lunch consisted of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, and breakfast had been fruit snacks, so when I arrived at the ward BBQ for what I hoped would be a well rounded meal I ate nearly whatever was left. Including brownies and melt in your mouth lemon drop cookies that my dear mom made(she got the recipe from a mystery book-thats why we love her). On top of these unhealthy choices there was the ultimate cake off experience two nights ago that involved my weight in frosting(this deserves its own post and pictures which are coming soon) and then on top that last week due to serious dental issues all I ate was frozen yogurt and ice cream. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling so great about my body.

My sophomore year of high school for awhile I did whatever I could to be "cute and skinny". Sometimes spending 2 hours on the elliptical and then going dancing with my friends that not, and eating very little. I assured my parents it was nothing to worry about, but I've never ever been as thin as I was then in my life before. Of course I didn't see a problem with it at the time, except those few more pounds I wanted to lose. As time went on I slowly calmed down, parents prayers were answered and I got busy with other things and I hit a good weight for myself.

This past year between living on my own, depression, and the usual freshman 15, not to mention sitting behind a desk all day working I've gained some pounds and lately I've been freaking out about it again. The pressure to be the thin, tan, beautiful girls I see around me is suffocating, and I'll be the first to admit that part of it is the society and culture I choose to live in(cough BYU cough-nothing personal dear school, just that you have a rep for breeding the gorgeous) and the rest of the pressure, the larger part comes from myself.

Today I was reading my dear blogging friends cjane's latest post though, and I started to cry. She speaks candidly about being upset with her body at one point, about her post pregnancy pounds and the pressures she felt to be "cute" but during this time in her life she experienced a little miracle, upon which reading brought tears to my eyes. Now she is the real writer in this blogging friendship so you really should check out her blog for the more eloquent details, but I learned something from her revelation. And now I'm passing it on...

My body is the body I'm meant to have and it is just what it needs to be at certain times in my life. My Heavenly Father gave me this body as opposed to say Jessica Alba's for a reason. In my mission in this life the body I have is going to be perfect for the things I'm meant to accomplish and as long as I'm taking care of this body-loving it, treating it right-it's going to be what it needs to for me in my life to serve to my fullest. I see it already. My hands are the perfect size to hold the ones of my primary children I teach and lead the way for them. My arms and body are the right size to still be nurtured by a loving mother, but are large enough to do the comforting to others I love when we're not near our homes. My legs are strong enough to carry me through days of office stress as well as walks to classes, and my feet have been taking steps I never thought I'd be strong enough to make. Although I have things that I view as my physical "flaws" I strongly believe that by treating my body right my Heavenly Father will take it and mold it into what he needs it to be in order for me to do the work, just like he does in every other aspect of my life. It just makes sense, it just feels right that he would send me here with what he did for specific reasons, and that he will help me to accomplish what it is I need with them.

So, as I take off my favorite pair of jeans and crawl into my pajamas I think about my body, and what a gift it is. Don't get me wrong, I will need reminding of this inspiration-I am still a girl and therefore inherently worried about these things, but I now know that what I have is what I need, and as long as I do my part to treat it right and take care of it Heavenly Father will do his to use it bring about his work. Who knows what these eyes will see? What callous these hands will someday have? What sore muscles will ache in my old age from years of building up the kingdom? What marks or changes I will eventually have from bringing more precious souls into this earth? How many hearts will be touched by my arm's embrace? All I know is that this gift and temple will be used for his purpose and I'm going to do better to take care of it, so that each day when he needs it to perform whatever possible miracle it was meant to, I'll be ready.

If you decide to comment at all on this blog, please say one thing you like about your body-be honest-because if cjane and I haven't convinced you yet-you are beautiful, and as I write this tears are falling again because I'm realizing so am I.